I know it seems like I’ve taken my own advice and rollerbladed off to a new life of cutting-edge irony, abandoning my blog. But the truth is, dear reader, that I haven’t gone anywhere, except to the bottom of a fathomless pit of remorse because of my inability to bring to light the “next fixed-gear.”
Come to think of it, I did go somewhere! I decided that if I was going to really get to the bottom of this “what is the next fixed-gear” question, I’d need to travel outside of the insular constructs of my “hey bro, is that a fixie?!” Undisclosed Northern Colorado Front Range College Town. It was time for a road trip.
So I went on a pilgrimage to pray for wisdom in the Bikefags’ holy Mecca: Portland, Oregon (Bikefag Report coming soon)!
It was clear that the zeitgeist of the Portland alternative cycling community is long “post-freaking-out-about-fixed-gears.” People are riding a lot of unassuming, practical bicycles. Everyone is talking about cyclocross (it is cyclocross season, though, and the biggest ‘cross race in America was coming up).
I met a gentleman, for instance, who I would have labeled a “bike hipster” based on his rat tail had I not talked to him and found out he was a cat. 1 track racer who commuted on a workaday all-black KHS Flite 100 with fenders and brakes front and rear (while wearing a helmet). Maybe it was just “winter” (50 degrees when I was there..) that kept the more “fair-weather” bikefags inside, but the whole fixed-gear “phenomenon” appeared to have cooled down in Portland. Well, other than this guy, to whom the “fixies” (and nerd-height bags) are still red hot:
But even with all of the sedate, befendered bicycles, double-strap messenger backpacks, neon-yellow jackets, and other practical cycling accoutrements, there still wasn’t really any “new thing” going on.
I felt as if I was further away from uncovering the mystery of the “next fixed-gear” than I had been when I started the whole thing as a joke to make fun of rollerbladers two months ago.
What was the next fixed-gear going to be?!
Then it struck me: the spartan coulourwauy on the track racer’s fixed-gear! The brakes! The fenders! This guy’s trailer!
The next fixed-gear was there in front of my eyes the whole time! The next fixed-gear is “riding a fixed-gear and pretending like it’s not that big of a deal!”
Sure, people’s enthusiasm for tarting them up like a San Francisco whore may have waned in Portland, (where there’s now a city ordinance against neon sneakers). But it doesn’t seem like anyone can think of anything else.
We’re still stuck with the fixed-gear, bikefags. Better take some sandpaper to it and leave it out in the rain for a few days.
Reevaluated Fixed-Gear Ratings
Exclusivity: 3
The reevaluated fixed-gear is certainly less exclusive than the original, exciting fixed-gear was “back in the day.” But it does retain significant exclusivity. Since the reevaluated fixed-gear is a different class of bicycle from, say, this monstrosity:
post-cool-pre-reevaluation-fixed-gear
And the “is that a fixie bro” who would ride a Langster NYC edition can’t understand why his bike won’t get him in the club.
Irony: 2
There’s nothing surprising or funny about riding a fixed-gear. Nobody cares that they have no brakes anymore. Nobody is impressed by the single gear and the constant pedaling. Now that your parents understand what fixed-gears are and have either bought one or have explained to you why they don’t want one, the crispness is gone. At this point, the irony comes from continuing to utilize the same conveyance as square latecomers.
“Is that a fixie, bro?” post-reevaluation fixed-wheel riders seem to say with a wink and a nod to one another. ”Sick Deep Vs, bro!” the competent, ironic post-reevaluation rider might respond.
Street Cred: 3
As with irony, any street cred bestowed upon a post-reevaluation-fixed-wheel-bicycle is bequeathed to the user as a function of their apparent disinterest in the “fixie scene.” The browner, scratcheder, and dirtier the bike, the more street-credulous the rider at this juncture. So I hope, reader, that you’re getting the point that this does not apply to all fixed-gear riders anymore.
Aesthetics: 5
The primary stumbling block hindering the bikefag quest for a “next fixed-gear” is the beauty of the current fixed-gear, the fixed-gear. The track bike is truly a beautiful conveyance. It always was and it always will be (even after we’re all too cool to ride one…). It is with great reluctance that we abandon this for a more exclusive, more ironic quad-ring.
Impracticality: 3.5
Fixed-gears still offer the impracticality that we keep coming back for. They’re single-speed, they’re fixed-gear, they have no brakes, they’re generally unsuited for inclement weather. They’re foolhardy. dangerous, and we love them.
Unfortunately, many pre-reexamination-fixed-gears, in addition to having extravagant coulourways, are now equipped with brakes.
Also, much of the fixed-gear’s “impracticality” is an illusion. It turns out that pretty much any halfway competent cyclist can master fixed-gear riding. Since that is now clear, the impracticality score must suffer.
Total Score: 16.5
The reevaluated fixed-gear’s “alternative conveyance scorecard” gets lower marks than the cruiser board or the quad-ring. Yet it’s evident that the fixed-gear is still the current fixed-gear, and I think will remain the fixed-gear for the next couple of years.
Remember that fixed-gears are a trend. So even if there’s a more perfect alternative conveyance out there (which there is. The quad-ring), fashionable people will not ride it unless it’s popular – but not too popular. So far the only thing meeting this criteria is the post-fixed-gear wasteland of the reevaluated fixed-gear and the nebulous hipster diaspora into other forms of cycling (e.g. hipster road biking) – which so far doesn’t amount to a “next such-and-such.” Or maybe it does. Who knows, I only have my small-town observations (and the entire internet) to guide me.
Is the “reevaluated fixed-gear” a cop-out?
Yes. I realize that this “conclusion” puts us in a precarious position, bikefags. To ride on to the bitter end on the sinking fixed-gear ship or to accept the quad-ring are not the most enticing alternatives.
Personally, I’ve just been spending a lot of time “riding” “recreationally” to wait out this storm of uncertainty.
But something will come along. Something always does.
Until then, I’m happy to bury this quest deep in the ground.
Dirt-jumping, freeride mountain biking, downhill: what’s the common denominator?
Hucking, bro!
If you don’t know what hucking is, you’re probably a total bitch-ass, balls-shaving roadie! So here’s a video to clue you in:
Hucking is fucking gnar as fuck, bro!
But is hucking a replacement for the fixed-gear?
It seems unlikely.
For me, hucking seems the realm of bros with tribal tattoos who either listen to shitty nü metal, shitty rap-rock, or (if European or Canadian) non-threateaning, “conscious” hip hop. It looks fun, I’ve always thought, but can I really marry my personal brand to a bunch of meatheads who listen to Marilyn Manson and drive trucks (and sort of look like Travis Barker)?
Obviously not.
But a new era of hipster hucking is upon us.
Allow me to introduce 18-year-old Brandon Semenuk:
(It won’t let me embed Vimeo, so just click here. Sorry.. (you really need to watch it, though))
A Michael Cera clone on a dirt jumper!? Ultra-tight pants?! Gay-ass electro soundtrack?! Gigantic Nike throwback basketball shoes?! A Subaru Rally car?! Vimeo?!
What the fuck this kid is perfect!
And not only is he the perfect ambassador of dirt jumping to the bikefag crowd, but he’s also really good.
Here’s a video of him winning the Sea Otter Dual Stunt race (on a neon orange bike that is obviously a ripoff of the “Seizure Bike” that I rode last season):
And here he is winning the 2009 Redbull Rampage:
Soon Brandon Semenuk will be more popular than Lance Armstrong, and an entire generation of tight-pantsed bikefags will be DTH (down to huck) at art school stair sets and backyard pump tracks around the world! The bicycle film festival will be dedicated to hucking. Critical mass will ride to BMX tracks. Bike messengers will drop sickie triple-sets and shred some dank wallrides – all with packages on their backs (Dakine backpacks to replace Chrome bags? Brakeless dirt jumpers on city streets?)
Hucking – it’s not just for bros anymore!
My advice is to sell your fixed gear now, buy a dirt jumper, then switch over your track bike’s Velospace account to the DJ bike so that you can prove to your friends that you’ve been DTH since 2006.
Exclusivity: 3.5
Dirt jumpers are pretty pricey-to extremely pricey. And downhill bikes are preposterously expensive, use specialized hub spacing and front hubs/axles, and involve enough hydraulic fluid to scare off any backyard mechanic.
Then again, they’re ridden by a whole bunch of rich, pickup-truck driving Bike Chads, severely lowering their exclusivity score.
Irony: 1
There’s very little irony involved in hucking. Other than the lingo, the tribal tattoos, the bros, and the nü metal. You know what, let’s just bump that score up to a two.
Street Cred: 1
While it’s true that freerider bros are probably the only group of cyclists who might actually kick someone’s ass, it is also true that they are all from extremely whitebred, suburban hinterlands.
Aesthetics: 2
They’re just not that good looking.
Impracticality: 3
They’re heavy. They’re slow (on streets). They’re expensive to repair. And they need to be driven to anywhere worth riding one.
Then again, they will drastically increase the terrain that you can ride over/down/off on your commute.
Total Score: 11.5
Well, I guess Brandon Semenuk has his work cut out for him..
Still, though, it might be worth it to at least find a cul-de-sac and practice some bunnyhops just in case this blows up.
In 2001, every music magazine proclaimed that “Rock is Back.” The White Stripes and the Strokes were getting paid. Detroit sounded like a cool place. Etc.
By 2006, admitting to your friends that you used to listen to the Strokes was hipster suicide. ”Indie electro” like Chromeo was all the rage. Then it was Justice, Crystal Castles, etc.
By 2010, admitting that you once liked MGMT will be tantamount to admitting in 2008 that your bike had a freewheel.
And so it will go for the fixed-gear. Like rock-n-roll was replaced by hipster electro, the fixed-gear will be replaced by its opposite extreme: the quadruple-chainring bike.
The “quad-ring,” “shiftie” or “Zach Bike” (named after recumbent guru Zach Kalpan who, for a time, sold a front derailleur with a 22-60+ tooth capacity) has been ridden by frail cyclo-tourists for years. But the man who first “took it to the streets,” the man who will be known as the “Quad God” of the two-thousand-teens, is Portland freak-bike enthusiast Legislator.
This is the 4×4 Trailer Pulling Utility Bike of Death. It has four chainrings, four brakes, nine cogs, a sick coulourway, and a guaranteed place in the Annals of Alternative Transportation.
Let us briefly hail Legislator as our new alternative transportation messiah, and then move on to the ratings.
Exclusivity: 4.5
You can’t go out and buy a quad-ring. You have to build it. The only reason the quad-ring doesn’t get perfect marks is because you could probably build one out of completely unwanted parts for free at your local bike co-op.
Eventually, of course, Surley will sell a complete quad-ring, then other companies will “drop” their own soulless quad-ring copycats. The Surley will become the Bianchi Pista of quad-rings, Kona’s early model will equate to the KHS Flite 100, Peugeot will re-enter the U.S. market with a bike equivalent to today’s Cinelli Vigorelli, and a vintage René Herse quad-ring “conversion” will be the same as an NJS-certified Keirin bike.
Exclusivity will diminish quickly, so get act now!
Irony: 4
It’s a bike with four chainrings… to get to the coffee shop…
The only way to get a higher irony score would be to add more chainrings.
Street Cred: 2.5
A movement precipitated by old, frail randonneurs who needed a lower granny-gear seems absolutely devoid of street-cred – at first glance. But remember, this is a movement created by Quad-God Legislator – a man who not only lives in Portland, a city with a higher violent crime rate than Colorado Springs, CO, but who also “palps” a menacing tarantula in his front wheel.
And the street-cred of quad-rings will undoubtedly increase as early adopters such as bike messengers and uber-bohemian Portlanders follow Legislator’s example.
There could even be “quad-ring freestyling.” The “slow-go” would replace the trackstand. Climbing extremely steep hills would replace the fixed-skid (no-handed climb? Leg-over climb?).
Aesthetics: 2.5
Well, it ain’t exactly a Nagasawa..
But at least it’s not this bike:
Impracticality: 3.5
The quad-ring is practical – especially Legislator’s trailer puller. But under all normal commuting conditions, a great-granny gear is totally superfluous. And social climber alternative cyclists could easily one-up each other by building Penta-ringed bikes, or utilizing multiple drivetrains/multispeed cranks/multispeed hubs/custom hub spacing and 20-speed cassettes/ultra-long-cage rear derailleurs to achieve hundreds of gear combinations.
I have to give the quad-ring concept a higher score for potential impracticality.
Total Score: 17
Oooh! Barely edged out by the cruiser board. Still, though, this might be the next ride for the dreadlock-beard crew in 2010.
I know, I know. Many of you are probably asking the same question:
Rollerblades (trademarked)?! Why not rollerskates?!
Well, reader, if you’re asking that question, you might not have a firm grasp on the concept of “ironic transportation.” You see, rollerblades, or “fruit boots,” are currently the lamest conveyance available; as opposed to rollerskates, which are enjoying a surge in “coolness” because of roller derby and (more importantly), the natural “retro cycle.”
The “retro cycle” is a natural progression whereby trends/styles have a peak popularity, then fade, then have a peak unpopularity/universal scorn period 10-15 years after their peak (e.g. Jncos in 2005), then sometime after that period, they enjoy a revival in popularity – usually popular in a tongue-in-cheek way (Jncos back in 2013?). The retro revival must wait 15 years, though.
Rollerskates went out of style in the 1980s, went back into style in the 2000s, and are no longer ironic enough.
Rollerblades, however, are still very uncool (peak popularity in 1992? Universal scorn peak in 2005?). This makes rollerblades immensely more ironic, and thereby more appealing to hipsters. If there’s ever going to be a time for a peak in rollerblading ironic popularity, it will be 2012, 20 years after rollerblades’ genuine-initial popularity. The time for early adoption is now!
Alright, alright… On to the ratings.
Exclusivity: 2
Everyone ever owned a pair of rollerblades when they were a kid (or, as in my case, “inline skates,” if their cheapskate parents bought them Variflex skates). There are several pairs of Rollerblades at every thrift store in America. Rollerblades aren’t exclusive.
Then again, no one rides them (other than kooky, fitness freak commuters in large cities). Also, they take some skill to master skating street (and a pair of pants similar to Rodney Mullen’s 1993 Jncos. Also is that a Christian rap song? Is rollerblading Christian skateboarding?). Two!
Irony: 5
I feel uncomfortable giving a perfect score of five in irony. But think about it:
And look at these pictures:
All-neon 90s “zany” alternative brand? (double irony for rehashing 2007’s neon revival?)
Dweebie “aggressive” sport that will simply never have the cachet of its cool older brother, skateboarding?
Homoerotic overtones?
A perfect five!
Street Cred: 1
Does this look like street-credibility?
No.
Then again, it does look like it could end up hurting badly. Hence the above-zero score.
One!
Aesthetics: 2
I don’t know. I thought that rollerblades were pretty cool looking back in the day…
And we can all ride old black-and-neon-and-purple, plastic ‘blades. Right?
Also, you can dress however you want on rollerblades. And male hipsters would get an opportunity to tuck their fruity pants into their fruit boots.
The problem, of course, is that no matter what you do, you will still look like a rollerblader if you’re rollerblading.
Two!
Impracticality: 2
Rollerblades also receive lackluster marks in the impracticality department. They can get pretty much anywhere. They’re fairly fast. Unlike bikes, they’re easy to store and can’t get a flat tire. They’re cheap and over-available.
In short, they’re way too practical for most hipsters. They’re not exclusive enough. They’re too cheap. And they simply make too much sense to be the next fixed-gear.
Total score: 12
It’ll take a more than irony alone to replace the fixed-gear as the principal alternative conveyance.
Since the fixed-gear bicycle replaced the skateboard for many hipsters, it isn’t unreasonable to propose that the next “hipster whip” will again be the skateboard.
But not just any skateboard. ”Just any skateboard” is the skateboard world’s equivalent of “a normal bike.” This will not do.
The cruiser board (as far as I can tell, not being a skateboarder myself) harkens back to a simpler, more “radical” time when skateboarders didn’t have to hurl themselves down 21-stairs or be a protracted adolescent douchebag who makes a career out of breaking things and championing a terrible Finnish band just to get ahead in life.
It was a simpler time, before parachute pants, before the X Games, before you had to be totally fucking wasted to make a skate video. Ah, back in the day. When a man could wear short shorts without any hint of irony – just a feeling of comfort, well-ventilated testicles, and the kind of libidinous sexuality that drives men to take pictures of themselves jumping over one another to begin with.
Why don’t I just let Rodney Mullen show you what I mean:
(Of course it’s all a matter of context, but) here’s Rodney when skateboarding did look cool:
Here’s Rodney when skateboarding did not look cool (or sound cool):
I guess it boils down to this:
At this point, big pants and little wheels=not cool.
Big wheels and little pants=gettin’ paid!
Skateboarding has already become uncool and back cool enough like three times. And now that its popularity, TV exposure, and the fact that 13-year-olds are better than everyone else has once again killed skateboarding for all the cool kids (who have since bought fixed-gears). It won’t be long before it becomes unpopular enough to be cool again (as long as it’s done with the right kind of aesthetics). And hence the cruiser board.
Also, cruiser boards or “old-skool” boards with their big wheels are about a million times better for riding around for transportation (without getting into the extremely uncool longboard territory).
Let’s get to the ratings.
Exclusivity: 3.5
Cruiser boards are much less popular than fixed-gears or “normal boards.” Also, not just anyone can skateboard. This yields a fairly high exclusivity rating, but not too high, since anyone can go to the store and buy a zip-zinger, and practically anyone can learn to ride one well enough to get around and maybe pop an ollie every so often. Also, skateboarding (even back in the day when the modern cruiser shape was invented) is a much less specialized (and WAY less expensive) pastime than track racing has ever been, decreasing cruiser boards’ exclusivity rating.
One added benefit of cruiser boards, though, is the deep well of vintage decks from the 1980s that can be “converted” to cruiser board duty. NOS, classic deck cruiser board “conversions” will undoubtedly be the “Keirin frame” equivalent in the cruiser board world. The Zip Zinger will be the Bianchi Pista.
Irony: 3
1980s-aesthetic “shredding” is fairly ironic. But it’s an aesthetic that’s also been pretty heavily employed for most of this decade, so no one is going to be too dazzled when you roll up in cutoff short-shorts, busting a sick no-comply on your Nash. Still, though, it’ll get a few grins..
Street-Cred: 3
Skateboarders have always had street-cred (especially since the 1980s). Need I remind you of … The Daggers?
Skateboarders are nefarious, villanous criminals. And hence the street cred. Also, skateboarders are 13-year-old, rich suburbanites, and hence the limited rating.
Aesthetics: 4
Old skateboard decks look good.
Zip Zingers look good (although I don’t think I could tell anyone out loud that I was into “zip zingers”).
You’ll be lookin’ flossy once they become a fad and you get one in two years – looking good until you have to clumsily mongo-foot the thing down the street slow as hell, anyway.
Anyway, there’s a big spectrum of good looking boards to ride that could be considered “cruiser boards.” So if it became the new thing, there could be a big spectrum of boards coming out.
Impracticality: 4
Cruiser boards might be more practical than normal skateboards, but they aren’t more practical than much else. You can’t take your kids to school like you can on a fixed gear. You can’t ride in the snow like you can on a fixed gear. Really, you’re better off just doing what every single skater on Earth now does and just strapping the thing on your back and riding a fixed gear.
But, like the fixed-gear before it, the cruiser board is dangerous to ride down steep hills.
You’ll be looking good getting there on a cruiser board, but it’s gonna take you fucking forever.
So impractical!
Total Score: 17.5
That’s probably going to be a tough score to beat. But it almost makes me wish I had a score for originality, which any kind of skateboard is badly lacking in right now. Oh well; stay tuned for more inane postulations to come!
Like all track bike riding bikefags, I am troubled by the fact that the trend that I recently became a part of (riding a fixed gear bicycle) has become increasingly popular – popular to the extent that people who I perceive as being “not cool enough” are adopting “my” trend. I worry that I might be perceived as merging my “alternative brand” with mainstream “squares” or (worse) entry-level-alts. There’s only one solution to this problem, and it’s been the same solution since Neolithic Man got too cool for staggering around on foot and started riding horses: get a new, more exclusive alternative vehicle.
And believe me: I’ll drop my track bike like a Nitto B123 with no bar tape as soon as I figure out what the next exclusive, ironic, alternative conveyance is.
Then I’ll be getting all the alt-pussy!
For now, though, I’ll have to reluctantly pedal around on my Purple Bike, rolling my eyes when frat boys skid to a conspicuous stop next to me, shakily trackstand for a couple seconds, then exclaim at me, “Nice fixie, bro!”
Clearly, it’s time to start brainstorming.
Postulating the “next fixed-gear” alternative conveyance trend has been a pasttime of bicycle bloggers for years, now.
By “bloggers” I of course mean uberblogger BSNYC who has proposed mopeds, “p-fars”, dutch city bikes (can anybody find that post?), and a synopsis of everything I’m about to say, but said two years ago before he had polished the “BSNYC voice”.
But what does BSNYC know about being cool? He’s probably like 38 years old and married (also I’m pretty sure he lives in Park Slope (for Denverites, that’s equivalent to living in Washington Park (whereas 5-Points would be Bushwick (I guess Capitol Hill would equate to Williamsburg?)))). He’s not a bikefag. He just a hater!
Screw that guy, anyway. Here’s my take on the next fixed-gear trend, evaluated according to the criteria most important to bikefags.
Criteria #1: Exclusivity
$102,418 fixed gear with gold-plated Furmula hubs and Origin 8 crankset
There’s no point wearing/drinking/reading/listening to/buying/riding something if mainstreamers/squares/normal people/entry-level alts have access to/know about/want it, is there? How would this enhance your alternative brand?
It wouldn’t!
Lack of exclusivity, this is our dilemma. Any douchebag can now go to Urban Counterfeiters and buy a R=public fixed gear bike in all the coulourwauys of the rainbow. So now the NOS, all-NJS-certified, Phil-Wood-Chris-King-Makashima dream bike that you spent so much money on technically classifies you as the same type of cyclist as said douchebag, even though that douchebag wouldn’t know DP18s from B43s..
Obviously we can do better.
Criteria #2: Irony
Perhaps the most important factor for determining the value of anything in the “alternative lyfe” is, of course, its irony.
“Wow, riding a track bike on city streets! That’s wild, man.” might have rang true in 1985, but today the concept of riding a hybrid on city streets seems immensely more unexpected than riding a track bike. Riding a track bike is now the norm.
To really wow the public, alternative commuters must now ride/shred/drive/etc. a conveyance that not only surprises the mainstream populous, but also bewilders them to the point of pointing and laughing.
A conveyance that will provoke mainstreamers to laugh at you and perhaps call you a “faggot” is the goal of every alternative commuter. And sadly, a purple track bike no longer elicits this reaction.
Criteria #3: Street-Cred
Street credibility may have at one point been the most compelling reason to ride a brakeless track bike on city streets.
“It’s like them bikes that them crazy bike messengers in New York City ride! Gawlee!” one might have exclaimed years ago.
But those days have passed. Today, that same astonished simpleton is jaded and would likely mutter, “Wow, another fixed gear.. Just like every other asshole and their cool dads too..”
Because of mainstream adoption of fixed-gear bicycles, the “fixie” enjoys about as much street cred as a longboard. If this were a post about “what will be the next longboard?” (entry-level hippie/natural resource management/stoner/college boy conveyance), I’d be done already.
But since the fixed-gear now has the kind of “quad cred” that blandly subversive college kids at state universities now covet, all the urban-themed, graffitti-embellished makovers in the world can’t bring it back. It has been “dis-cred-ited” and must be replaced at once with a conveyance that is, as BSNYC puts it, more “street credulous.”
Criteria #4: Aesthetics
A bunch of fussy, dressed-up hipsters won’t stand for a conveyance that doesn’t look the part. And aesthetics was, and still is, one of the most compelling reasons to ride a fixed gear bike.
As I mentioned in a previous post, track bikes “rule hard” because they look good.
Still, the fixed-gear must go because of its shortcomings in the other criteria. It’s time to find something else that looks good.
Criteria #5: Impracticality
One of the most important features of the fixed-gear is its impracticality. Like the single speed, the fixed gear is usually in the wrong gear (unless you live in a flat, windless landscape with no stop lights). Additionally, the rider can’t coast, giving them yet another talking point in the “fixed gears are totally wild, man” argument. And by riding an actual track bike with no brakes or provision for fenders or knobby tires, the track bike becomes even more impractical, endowing the rider with the kind of self-satisfaction that more than makes up for any discomfort or limitations.
But the masses have now mastered the fixed gear bike. And nowadays “track bikes” have gone soft. My Purple Bike is a perfect example of this plushness. It’s drilled for brakes and fenders, it has tire clearance (barely) for 32mm cyclocross tires, and it has easygoing 73 and 74-degree head and seat tube angles.
I mean, at this point why not just put a goddamn Nexus 3-speed coaster hub on it?
There’s got to be a bulkier, more unwieldy way to get around!
The Fixed-Gear is failing us!
If we don’t act quickly, we’ll be living in a world where track bikes have waterbottle-cages brazed on! Where entry-level alts and ultimate-third-dimension-meta-über-hipsters must wear the same shoes! Where alternative cyclists and mainstream “square roadies” are indistinguishable from one another! In this drab, grey dystopia, Mike Sinyard will be our supreme overlord and we will bow before him and ride identical tiawanese-produced, crabon commuter bicycles. The “Specialized Police” will snatch newborn children from their mothers’ arms, conduct power-meter and wind-tunnel tests on them, and then divide them into “normal” or “S-works” citizens who will wear gray-and-black or red-and-white respectively. At this point, the New World Colorway will be complete!
But is this unfathomable dystopia too far-fetched?
No!
It is happening around us all the time! Every time you, dear bikefag, ride your fixed gear bicycle, and defy the natural one-upsmanship that makes humankind such an inspiring and heartwarming species.
The fate of the human race rests upon our coming together and finding a suitable alternative conveyance – if only for the next five years!
Bikefag Guide to Brave New Alternative Conveyances
In the coming weeks, I’ll be analyzing a variety of conveyances according to the criteria described above to determine the best candidate for a replacement for the fixed-gear. Any kind of conveyance will be considered (hovercraft, those shoes kids wear with wheels in them, zeppelin, etc). In fact, since the fixed-gear bicycle was the old alternative conveyance of choice, the odds of the new conveyance being a bike seem pretty unlikely. Any suggestions are strongly encouraged.
The only thing that makes white people feel better than being drunk on self-satisfaction is getting drunk on microbrewery beer. But as with so many white activities, the Tour de Fat awards white people a double victory – allowing them to have their cake and drink microbrews in the middle of the day too!
The Tour de Fat is a touring bicycle parade that stops at eleven cities with high concentrations of white people in the Western United States. White people dress up in brightly-colored, incoherent costumes and ride bicycles through town, then drink $5 New Belgium beers and dance to music played by other white people in better costumes.
The Tour de Fat is a white Tour de Force, combining white peoples love of bicycles, awareness, sustainability, dressing up in costumes, and getting drunk on the right kind of alcohol. But, like all white activities, the true reward is the deliciously intoxicating self-importance of the Tour.
Riding a bike in a costume and getting drunk in broad daylight might be considered reprehensible behaviors in many cultures. But the difference for white people is that they are riding their bikes and getting drunk for a cause: to promote awareness of bicycles and of altruistic, sustainable, not-in-any-way-profit-motivated microbreweries. Oh, and all the beer sales go to non-profit organizations.
Perhaps the most smug moment of the Tour de Fat is when the parade blocks car traffic for hours at a time.
“Ride a bike!” costumed, fair-weather cyclists shout at drivers – emboldened by artisan- crafted beers and a halfhearted police escort. ”Earth raper!”
The Tour De Fat may ultimately just be an advertisement for a popular microbrewery, but it does offer you a cornucopia of opportunities for your own personal benefit. If you encounter a white person in a city that is a Tour de Fat stop, ask them what costume they wore last year.
Steer clear of implications that most white people only ride a bicycle when the weather is perfect and they are promised handcrafted cask ale. Also, take great care to avoid upstaging another white person by telling them about your more clever/ more cohesive/ more ironic costume that utilized a higher percentage of salvaged materials. And as difficult as it may be, under no circumstances should you criticize a white person for dressing up as a New Belgium Brewery advertisement. If you accidentally imply that a white person’s costume wasn’t clever enough, steer the conversation toward the traffic jam created by the parade (“did you see that Dodge Ram that had to wait for like 45 minutes at that stop sign?”). Your white friend’s eyes will quickly light up anew.
The best way to befriend white people is to suggest a clever group costume well in advance of the Tour de Fat and coordinate the effort. Then you will be able to ride at the front of your multi-person bicycle caterpillar victoriously!
Even though I said I never would, I shaved my legs last night.
But why? What happened? Why do any cyclists shave their legs?
Well, there are a variety of stock answers to this question; all of them bullshit for anyone who isn’t a top-level professional cyclist.
Bullshit reason #1: Shaved legs are better for crashing.
Come on! The most important reason to shave your legs as a cyclist is because it’s better for crashes?! Bullshit!
While this is probably true, it isn’t very relevant. I’ve crashed twice so far this season. Both times I’ve gotten road rash. And both times I’ve road-rashed my legs. But the vast majority of road rash I’ve gotten has been on my shoulders and arms. The fact that I had hairy legs didn’t really affect me whatsoever. I was a little more worried about the hole in my arm.
You would have to get a hell-of-a-lot or road rash on your legs on a fairly regular basis to make shaving your legs worthwhile (enough that you wouldn’t be doing much riding). And at that point, why not go ahead and shave your arms too, since they’re every bit as likely to get road rash.
Also, I’m a little uncomfortable admitting to myself or anyone else that I’m going to crash. I’d rather just be surprised when it happens – not fucking plan for it.
The reason cyclists mislead people with Bullshit Reason # is of course because it makes them sound tough.
I crash all the time, the cyclist seems to be implying. I ain’t no fag!
Yes…
Well. Speaking of being comfortably with one’s sexuality,
Bullshit Reason #2: Massage
Professional cyclists, at least the fast ones, have soigneurs. a soigneur’s job, among other things, is to massage the riders’ legs. Obviously having shaved legs is helpful, if not practically necessary, in this instance.
For those of you with a soigneur, my hat is off to you. For the rest of you, this excuse is bullshit and you might as well not use it.
The sad reality is that practically every male cyclist shaves his legs for two reasons (which incidentally happen to be the same reasons women shave their legs):
Actual Reason #1: Peer pressure
This is why I have shaved my legs in the past and, I’m ashamed to admit, why I shaved my legs again. All of the cyclists that I ride with and occasionally race against shave their legs. These cyclists have developed a system of informal social sanctions to ostracize anyone who challenges their mores. Here I am being ostracized for my hairy legs:
Ironically, since I have skin-colored leg hair, it’s impossible to see from this distance. Here’s a closeup:
Note the contrast between my legs and Bissel Pro cyclist Sheldon Deeny. It’s Deeny’s twofold responsibility as a pro cyclist to berate noncompliant amateurs like me, and to keep his legs beautiful (I asked; he shaves every four days).
Which brings us to
Actual Reason #2: Shaving your legs is oh-so-sexy.
There is a widespread acceptance among the non-biased-Wikipedia-editors segment of Western Society that leg shaving enhances womens’ beauty. But can leg shaving make men sexy too?
Sure!
To illustrate this, I offer you a homoerotic leg-shaving montage.
Eventually, the dudes ran out of steam and the photographer was recruited to do the “edge trimming.”
And I was finally left to finish the job on my own.
And voila!
Look at them beauties!
Well, the process may not be attractive, but who can argue with the results?
I’ll do my best to crash my bike or get a massage from an old Ukranian sognieur and report how much better it was with shaved legs.
Until then, I’m going to go pose in the mirror while wearing a speedo and then walk around town self-consciously in shorts.
I live in a town where I have hecka bros, an honest barista job, fantastic roads for hipster road biking, and an extensive nearby trail system for alternative mountain biking. It should be a good life for a bike fag, right?
But the question that burns my insides is always there: “am I supposed to be living in a big city?”
A desire to live in a city is extremely common among bikefags. Many moved out of the suburbs when they turned 18, hit the big city, and never looked back. Many constantly plot their next move to a cooler, better, more bikefag-relevant city. Some have lived and left the city life, preferring a more authentic, rural alternative lifestyle with chickens and solar panels. An some just got stuck in a small town and complained about it on their blog.
Here’s a rough guide to the the mentality of a bikefag:
If this photo appeals to you, you might be a bikefag.
If, after the initial appealment, you notice that Purple is wearing Skechers and it bums you out to the point that you decide not to post the photo on your blog, then you are definitely a bikefag and definitely either live in a city or are uncomfortable about how you don’t (and you probably have a track bike in one of these colors also).
So you see, it is with this insecurity complex that I go about my life back in my undisclosed Northern Colorado Front Range college town. Am I too cool/old to live in a college town? Can I be attracted to girls who ride fixed gear conversions, not actual track bikes? Should I be offended by the fact that no one own a R.E.Load Bag? Will I ever find true love? Can I still “represent” my UNCFRCT or should I feel shame and never specifically disclose its location?
These questions and more plague the Bikefag.
But let’s give my UNCFRCT – and by extension undisclosable towns across America – a fair shake, shall we?
Small town livin’ has its benefits, which I shall now innumerate in my usual style:
UNCFRCT Benefit #1: Being an Big (on irony) Fish in a Small Pond
Can you spot the bikefag..?
If I lived in San Francisco, probably everyone at the track would dress as obnoxiously as me. Sure, this would probably bode well for my ability to sprint against them and maybe win some actual races. But in my event (competitive irony), I am almost always in a solo breakaway at my local UNCFRCT race.
Sometimes I feel like I’m sandbagging and I should “cat up” to living in Brooklyn or Portland or something. But fuck that, I just left Brooklyn and let me tell you: ironic cycling “training” in Brooklyn NY is about as disheartening as unironic road bike training is in Boulder, CO – where I recently got passed by someone who I choose to call Tom Danielson up Flagstaff road so dramatically that I considered starting smoking again.
The ironic cyclists in San Francisco have NJS-stamped inner tubes, the ones in NYC have awe-inspiring custom messenger bags by companies so obscure they make R.E.Load look like Wal-Mart, and the bikefags in Portland are too numerous, sleeveless, ironically dressed, and just generally fun-looking to even fathom ironically competing against.
No, I’ll just stay put in my UNCFRCT for the time being, leaving my den of insecurity only long enough to go check the thrift stores in Boulder for wool jerseys.
UNCFRCT Benefit #2: Access to Actual Cycling
It took Der Eisentraut 13 minutes to ride here.
There’s more to living in an undisclosed small town than hiding from cooler people in cities. One of my favorite activities to do in my UNCFRCT is go actual, non-ironic cycling. This type of cycling is similar to what you see in the pages of magazines with boring titles like Bicycling Magazine and Mountain Bike Action - except less concerned with weight loss.
Popular activities surrounding “actual cycling” include “training,” “riding (as opposed to “mashing”),” “wearing (unironic) lycra,” “mountain” “biking,” and paying $45 periodically for a one-day license and entry fee in a local criterium, racing in the 40-minute mens Category 4/5 race, staying with the lead group but getting swarmed in the sprint, placing 9th, vowing to “train harder,” and then continuing to ride exactly as much.
Seriously, though, actual cycling does rule a lot harder than “mashing” through a city. In ten minutes, I can ride from my house to the edge of my UNCFRCT where there are the beginnings of several incredible rides, including a 3,000-foot climb that takes fifteen minutes to get to the base of. When I lived in Bushwick, Brooklyn, it also took me fifteen minutes to get to the biggest climb around – the Williamsburg Bridge…
This is the biggest problem with the urban bike hipster lifestyle. You can’t actually ride if you live in a big city. Unless you count walking up hills and “stuntin” haphazardly down them.
Again. Seriously. Actual cycling rules. I don’t have to convince you of that. And Bushwick, Brooklyn’s actual cycling opportunities are as depressing as a Myrtle Avenue Boat ride.
Also, chill out San Francisco, Seattle, etc. I know you have road/mountain biking. But I also know mine is better and that my rent is MUCH cheaper.
Those are the only two bikefag-relevant benefits that I can think of for living in a small town.
Here’s why living in a city is so appealing:
City Benefit #1: Girls
This is a tricky subject to navigate, but I think that it’s safe to say that bike fags – along with bikes and acceptance – want to have sex with hot alt girls. And in this regard, a place like San Francisco or Brooklyn all-the-sudden makes perfect sense.
This girl, for example, does not live in my undisclosed Front Range Northern Colorado college town:
Neither does she:
Nor does this girl:
Her either:
(it was for that Improv Everywhere no pants day thing..)
These girls live in cities. And if you’re a bike fag who lives in a small town, you are saddened right now by the realization that you will not have sex with these girls.
(alt girls in my town, I don’t mean it. You know you lookin’ fly. Toolate, you’re already offended? Fair enough.)
There are many other arguments for and against living in a big city. You can get a job as a bike messenger and increase your street cred in a city, for instance. Cities have shows and art and fixed gear forums.
But I can’t help but turn this question into “do I want to be able to ride good roads or do I want to make out with girls whose personal brands are better aligned with my own?”
What does my location say about my own personal brand? What does blogging about my location say about my personal brand?
Are these my true feelings or is this all a joke?
Will I ever find true alt-love?
Am I ripping off Hipster Runoff now too?
Is this just a lazy post motivated more by guilt for not having blogged in two weeks than an actual desire to share my ironically masked feelings?
Should I just move to Portland despite their high unemployment and lack of creative nonfiction graduate programs, apply for food stamps, start alt cyclocross racing, grow a beard, and be happy?
These are serious questions!
This is pretty deep. Maybe 3/8"
Well, I crashed my bike yesterday. I was drafting a friend, didn’t see a pothole, hit the pothole, and pulled a Jens Voigt, my hands shooting straight off the bars and my body following them to the pavement. I slid to a stop on my left shoulder, got up, knowing that I had crashed seriously, and found blood dripping all over my left hand and forearm.
It must have been bad because when my friend – professional photographer and amateur road cyclist Aaron Hegert - made it back to me, he took one look at my elbow and said,
“Oh man, you’re gonna need stitches for sure. Don’t look at it.”
I took my shoe off and used my sock to stop the bleeding and sat there rolled up in a ball of pain waiting for Aaron to come back with the car (we were probably a mile from the end of our ride..). I couldn’t see very well or do much other than sit there in a ball, grit my teeth, and be bummed out about how my left arm wasn’t really working and how I didn’t have any health insurance.
But it wasn’t so bad. A kind lady stopped, then a gentleman with a first aid kit. They gave me a Tylenol and taped a bandage too-tightly around my elbow. Then a sheriff showed up and called the paramedics and we all had to sit around awhile while they checked my blood pressure and heart rate and made me sign a “refusal of transport.”
The paramedics also told me to get stitches in my elbow immediately.
I was really starting to feel like a human being again as Aaron and I were finally allowed to drive away. Unlike Jens Voigt, I probably hadn’t broken anything. I just had road rash everywhere and a troublingly deep hole where my left elbow used to be.
Anyway, I was in no position to go to a hospital yesterday. I was on my way to Denver where my friend who was going to give me a ride back to Fort Collins’s band was playing. Then I had to go to sleep and go to work the next morning. So by the time I could have gone to the hospital it had been almost 24 hours. By then the hole in my elbow had stretched out (eroded?) to a much shallower, wider depression.
What would they even stitch together, at this point?
Well, bikefags, if you ride enough, you’re gonna crash (especially if you don’t know your etiquitte). And if you’re young and went to school for an ecxiting degree in the liberal arts, you probably don’t have health insurance either.
My plan is to wait until my malformed elbow heals up enough to ride again and then keep riding until the next time I fuck myself up in a crash and worry about it then.
So this is why I haven’t gotten around to posting the kinds of research-oriented bicycle gaiety that you’ve all come to expect. But it’s cool. I’ll be back in business in no time.
Until then, here’s a picture of me naked:
"Photo Booth" doesn't do my road rash justice.
