Well, it’s February now and for a competitive category 4 road racer like myself that can mean only one thing:
Training!
Here are some tips to ensure that you get the most out of this important time of year:
#1: Don’t ever “ride.”
“Riding” is for hippies, children, and rappers. I’m a totally serious-ass racer and I don’t have time to waste on that kind of bullshit.
I don’t “ride,” I “train.”
With this distinction as my guide, I can maximize my time on the bike. Rather than sitting around coasting and enjoying the scenery, I prefer to tailor a ride to my needs that day. On Tuesdays, for instance, I do repeats of a hill at the edge of my town for four hours at 87% maximum intensity and tuck down the hill, then sprint to a sign at the bottom. This way, I have an appropriate fifteen-minute warmup before my workout, but I don’t have to waste time riding flats to get to the climb for repeats, and since I don’t keep going on the same road, I get that perfect three minute recovery-tuck before my next repeat, rather than riding three “junk miles” before the next climb.
On Wednesday, I drive my Cadillac Escalade Hybrid past the hill I do repeats on, then past all the other hills, to a sloping road circuit twenty miles away where I do two-minute/300 watts legspeed intervals for two hours (it should go without saying, but you MUST buy a powermeter if you don’t already have one).
Thursday, I go to the gym for plyometrics and weight-lifting (stop in March).
Friday I ride an easy “opener.” I have a great “opener loop” north of town where I ride around a 5k circuit of inhospitable farmland with slightly-sloping roads for 1.5 hours at a steady 150 watts.
Saturday, of course, is my local group ride, where I go talk about my wattage and my training for forty minutes while the pace winds up, then get dropped off the back at the first climb.
Sunday I ride the local group “recovery ride,” where I complain about the tactics used at yesterday’s group ride, complain about the slow pace of the recovery ride, and complain about “sketchy riders” who don’t ride in a peloton correctly.
Monday I either take off or go for an “easy-paced” long ride. I usually ride my “opener loop” for five hours (or 37 laps) on these days.
As you can see, my training schedule is pretty full and I couldn’t possibly take time out of it to ride “junk miles” such as mountain biking, cyclocross, long climbs, or “fun” rides.
#2: Racing is about winning, not fun.
The point of racing is to compete against and vanquish your opponents, not to ride “with” them or to “better” yourself. That’s why I train so hard, and why I race in the fours.
If you’re not winning, you should probably find a different sport, loser.
Also, is there anything more annoying than when your bitter rivals start trying to talk to you at the start line?! What a bunch of douchebags! I’m here to bury you in the ground, motherfucker, I don’t want to be friends!
#3: Eating
Eating is just as important a part of your training as riding (err, i mean training). What I’m trying to say is that I take my eating plan very seriously. I’ve been working on a lot of “base eating” this winter; long, easy meals with a lot of carbs and vegatables, but I’m ramping up for some more serious efforts. My roommate Gary and I have been doing some more intense “eatervals” lately, intense efforts at 2-300kcal/min, generally consuming blended lean meats and fish with avocados, pasta, veggies, and nuts. You do five or six of these eatervals for dinner four days a week and I guarantee you’ll have legs as big as Gary very soon.
Just as important as what you do eat is what you don’t eat: no bacon, beer, hamburgers, cheese, white bread, water, coffee, non-organic berries, saturated fat, dark meat, carp, or non-chocolate milk ever again.
When in doubt, I subsist entirely on Gu and wild game.
#4 Proper Racer Etiquitte
Observing proper racing etiquitte during the winter months is absolutely essential.
Always observe the rules of the pack while in group rides. Never talk to anyone you don’t know. Never smile while in a peloton. Always stay near the front. Never pull.
Just as essential to racer etiquitte is proper racer dress. Shoes must be white, with white shoe covers in the winter months to protect the white shoes. White shoe cover-covers may be necessary when roads are wet, but under no circumstances should a racer ever get winter shoes or ride with mountain bike shoes or pedals at any time of year.
It is essential to shave your legs in the winter. This signals to the other racers that you understand the rules.
Neon winter cycling gear is understood to be for recreational cyclists and must never be worn by racers.
Under no circumstances may one ever wear any kind of backpack-type device, especially a Camelback. There is no circumstance, no matter how cold, no matter how many miles, no matter what, that a Camelback or similar device may be worn – ever!
#5 Life isn’t All Racing
Life isn’t just racing, training, and eating. It’s essential that we put in heavy rest intervals or “recreatervals.” As difficult as it is, I find it necessary to dig deep and put in these psychologically-straining recreational efforts to avoid burnout.
I usually like to do two hours at a time of sitting on my couch at 45bpm heart rate, with a couple of 70bpm intervals of checking my Facebook to update my status with every single mundane detail of my racing life that I can think of.
Sometimes, I like to just kick back and do some relaxervals at the movies, or have a single drink once a month with my friends and enjoy some conversatervals about people who don’t pull through or about sandbaggers.
With these training tips, I’m sure to get my Cat. 3 upgrade this season. I’ll update with some excuses about why I didn’t win later.
For now, though, I’d like to thank my sponsors:
I have a somewhat limiting formula with this blog. I have to rack my brain every week to come up with some sort of alternative-cycling-related “concept” or “phenomena.” Usually I fail and either don’t post anything at all, or just re use the same joke over and over.
Blogging would probably be a breeze if all I had to do was find pretty things and tell you where to buy them. Unfortunately, that’s not my lot in life.
Once in awhile, though, I feel – either out of guilt or genuine approval – the need to “shout” “out” some “homies.” So since these “shout” “outs” don’t really fit my format, I’m going to try to just pack in a bunch at a time. Maybe I’ll do this periodically when I have no content and/or when I burn with guilt.
Without further delay, I’d like to endorse the following products/people/organizations:
NEDNEDNEDNEDNEDNEDNEDNEDNEDNEDNEDEDNNEDNEDNEDNDNEDNEDNEDNEDNED
Bouré is Ned Overend’s clothing company. They make rad gear that’s as good as anything Italian, but cheaper and made in Durango-er. They run the gamut of clothing, from wool everything (check out their belgian cap), to winter onesies, and all of the standard clothing you’d expect.
It ain’t exactly Rapha (they certainly don’t have the graphic designers or photographers), but I personally love the looks of their clothes, and have been lusting after this jersey and this vest (in blue). The solid slabs of primary colors remind me of the 90s-era Bellweather cycling gear that I’m always searching for on ebay and in Boulder thrift stores.
Why would anyone buy a $270 jersey from the douchiest website in America, when you can buy a much better looking, and probably warmer $90 jersey from one of the least douchey cyclists in American history?
(feel free to send me some stuff to test, Ned. I’m 5′8, 135lb)
Speaking of Durango cycling gear, have you seen this shit?!
DOOMDOOMDOOMDOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM
Dr. Doom, as far as I can tell, is part of a crew of people in Durango that look like they’re having way more fun than your average cyclist. I started hearing about Doom during the run-up to the 2009 Single Speed Worlds in Durango. Then I heard that him and his Durango Malletheads team are like the best grass bike polo players ever (or at least in Colorado). Then I saw him in a Raleigh Rush Hour ad in Urban Velo. Now I hear that he makes clothes!
Well, I don’t know if Doom is going to be the alternative mountain biking messiah or anything, but I do know that he makes some killer Gore-tex vests.
Hopefully I can one day see for myself what the fuck is going on down in Durango. But for now, I might just start saving up to get myself a custom vest, so I can represent out here on the Front Range.
JUSSIJUSSIJUSSIJUISIJUSSIJUSSIJUICYJUSSIJUSSIJUSSJUSSJJSSJUSSIJUSSIJUSSIJUSSI
Jussi from Finland “curates” at least thirty-five blogs, posts something like twelve posts per day, and is probably single-handedly responsible for 1/3 of my blog’s total views. In spite of this, Jussi (from what I can tell), seems to have a lot of fun and get in a ride every so often as well.
Here are a couple of his notable blogs:
and Post Fixed Gear.
I’m still sort of confused by Jussi and the greater “HELLsinki” fixed-gear scene (probably because I don’t speak Finnish). All I know is that I’m probably more popular in Finland than I am in the United States (though you’d never know it since Finnish people never comment). And I owe my Finnish success to Jussi (again, I could be wrong since I can’t actually understand what anyone on the YKSIVAIHDE forums are saying…).
Oh well, thanks, Jussi and thank you Finland!
PHILPHILPHILPHILPHILPHILPHILPHILPLIHLIHPHLIPHLIHPLIPHLIPHILPHILPHIL
Bike Porn!
Bike Porn is sort of exactly what it sounds like and sort of not at all what it sounds like. It’s a series of films, yes, involving bicycles, sexuality, humor, and naked people. It is porno, sure, but more in the tradition of Seattle’s HUMP! amateur porno festival than that of either the kind of porno you jerk off to on the internet or the kind of tantalizing “bike porn” that people post on bike blogs.
When Rev Phil and his crew rolled into my undisclosed Northern Colorado Front Range college town, he had the showing at an undisclosed state university in an undisclosed classroom in an undisclosed building. The showing was definitely not approved by the school, nor was the alcohol that everyone was drinking and spilling all over. The movie included a lot of silly, semi-nude skits, some heavier segments, and finally an all-queer strapon fuckfest dénoutement that had more penetration than Specialized has in collegiate bicycle racing.
Finally Rev. Phil took the “stage” after the film to sing a butt-naked duet with an ample-bosomed assistant to the tune of “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing.
I’ve… had… the porno of my li-i-iiife
And I owe it all to youuu per-verts
Here’s the trailer for the most recent film.
The good new for you is that if you live pretty much anywhere in North America, Bike Porn will be showing nearby at some point (especially if you email Rev. Phil and ask him to come). Rev. Phil, on his most recent tour, showed his film in at least four cities in Colorado (including tiny MTB mecca Fruita). Colorado hasn’t received than kind of coverage since the last Warren Miller flick.
Check out the Bikesmut blog to find out more, and to read some of Rev. Phil’s very prolific blogging and to find out more about the Bike Porn films.
NEILNEILNEILNEILNEILNEILNEILNEILNEILNEILNEILNEILNIELNIENILENILENILEIN
Neil Bezdek is the guy who went from being a New York bike messenger to a professional road racer in two seasons. That’s a pretty amazing story, and probably an unspoken fantasy of most every bike messenger.
Kudos, Bezdek. We will all be living vicariously through you (since most of us aren’t blessed by being freaks of nature and will have to spend two years getting a cat. 3 upgrade…).
Neil Bezdek has a blog, so you can follow him in his new life as a pro. It might be sort of boring since it’s January, but it’ll be interesting to see how this all shakes out as the racing season gets underway.
Also, he’s from Colorado!
WELLWELLWELLWELLWEILLWLLEWELLWELLWELLWELLWELLWELWELWELWELWELL
Well, that’s all for now, bikefags. I hope you agree that this is a reasonable way of hollering at some homies without posting two-bit, three-sentences-and-a-picture posts every time someone “drops” a new anodized track hub. I’ll proabbly do another round of these “shout outs” one day when I’m out of ideas. Until then, stay tuned for the new cycling trend sweeping Colorado’s Eastern Plains: ditch riding!
It was in November – during my darkest moments of trepidation about my future life in an ominous, post-fixed-gear landscape – that the nightmares started.
I was back in New York City, in one recurring dream – but the city was populated entirely by college town fixie bros, all of them wearing neon green aviators and Itchy-from-the-Seven-Dwarves droopy hats, and riding stock KHS Flite 100s.
I was riding amongst them on Bedford Ave, and at once they all turned to me on my purple bike.
“Is that a fixie, bro?” they said in robotic chorus.
“No, it’s a hybrid.” I joked.
“Is that a fixie, bro!” they commanded, louder.
“No, it’s a Chevy Avalanche. Fuck off!”
“IS THAT A FIXIE, BRO!” They had terrifying clown-smiles.
“WE KNOW IT’S A FIXIE, BRO!”
“WE KNOW IT’S A FIXIE, BRO!”
“WE KNOW IT’S A FIXIE, BRO!”
They were all pointing down at my bike, and when I looked, the purple paintjob peeled back before my eyes! The Dura Ace hubs, the flat bar, the upside-down Salsa stem, they were all gone!
I was suddenly riding a brand new, bone stock KHS Flite 100 with a drop bar and plastic toe clips!
Then a minivan pulled out in front of me, and I couldn’t skid!
Just before I crash, I always wake up, dripping with sweat.
After three weeks of nightmares, though, I had what I can only call “a vision.”
This time in my dream, I was riding across the Williamsburg Bridge in the rain. All of the college town fixie bros with neon aviators were walking in a line up the bridge, pushing their KHS Flite 100s beside them, as I attacked the upslope with apparently untiring legs. I was expecting them to turn on me as they usually did, but something about the rain was sapping their power.
At the top I stopped and looked down upon the line of fixie bros, chuckling to myself. Then the clouds parted above my head.
Instead of the sun, a rose hung in the sky.
It spoke to me.
“Come to me and I’ll show you my secret,” the rose said.
“Wait, what do you mean. How?”
The clouds moved back in, and the rain started trickling down.
“Come to meeeeeee,” I heard, through the fog.
Then I woke up.
What the hell was that supposed to mean? I thought to myself, waiting for my half-chub to go down before I got out of bed.
Oh yeah, the “Rose City” – Portland.
Since I’d already used up all my luck shipping bikes on planes, I borrowed an “earth raper,” strapped my Purple Bike on the back, and started driving West.
I've GOT to find out that Rose's secret!
I always sort of thought of Portland as being, like, a dude, you know... That rose totally sounded like a chick, though..HOLY SHIT THAT TRUCK'S JACK-KNIFING!
Almost...there..
Your power is making my sleep deprivation gone, so roll on Columbia, roll on.
Hang on, Purple Bike
We made it!
First Impression: “Where are all the dread-beards?!”
Based on my knowledge of Portland cycling culture (which had come from the PDX Fixed Flickr photostream,this zoobombing youtube video, a screening of Bikeporn 3 that concluded with Reverand Phil singing naked in a college classroom, and SSCXWC), I was expecting to ride into a bacon-scented, butt-naked, two-wheeled, freak-bike-funderworld.
So I was taken aback when the first several cyclists I spotted were all so boringly practical. Everyone I saw wore neon yellow rain gear. Their bikes were unimaginative, befendered, geared affars with brakes, racks and paniers strapped to them.
Where the fuck is the tall-bike lane?!
Here’s a random sampling of ten cyclists riding on a heavily-trafficked bike route between Portland’s NE and downtown.
helmet, fender, gears (top tube pad, scarf)
gears, fender, brakes (Ooh, I like that leather, gurrrll)
fenders, rack, gears, brakes (blue, blue, blew me away!)
fenders, racks, bungee cords, frame-mounted U-lock (reverse-locked quick-releases?)
helmet, rack, hybrid, basket
Maybe I caught this guy at the beginning of his ride across america?
finally a single-speeder (with fenders and brakes), and it looks like she's attacking the cross-town randonneur!
fender, brakes, gears, Surley
fenders, disc brakes, gears, silver water bottle (shiny new double-strap Chrome backpack, flossy "urban lifestyle" cycling apparel)
fenders, brakes, rack, barends
So, using the first ten cyclists heading from NorthEast to downtown at 10am to represent Portland’s cycling community as a whole, here are Portland’s statistics:
90% of Portlanders are befendered (the other 10% have a giant rack to block their back wheel).
100% of Portlanders are freewheelers.
A staggering 100% of Portlanders ride bicycles with brakes (10% utilize disc brakes).
90% of portlanders ride bikes with multiple gears.
40% wear helmets.
100% of Portlanders are caucasian.
Surely there was more to Portland than this, so I followed these commuters downtown.
I did find some evidence that “fixiez not dead” downtown.
This guy clearly thinks that fixed-wheel velocipedes are still cool:
And this bke messenger is riding a kids’ track bike!
(with fenders and a rack, of course)
Then I went into a bike shop called Bike Central that had all the snazzy track bike accessories that I expected people in Portland to be riding. They were obviously pretty involved with Portland’s racing scene (it seems like track is sorta their thing), but most of the stuff out on the floor didn’t really look like what actual track racers ride.
(to be fair, the guy working at Bike Central (as with all portlanders) was a lot more friendly than the sort of people working at most “boutique” bike shops. Not only was he more friendly, he was more fast. He’s a cat. 1 track racer who went to Elite track nationals)
I decided to leave downtown, and rode across the Hawthorne Bridge to the Southeast quadrant of Portland, hoping to find a critical-mass blocking Hawthorne Blvd, or maybe a freak-bike gang of crust-punks with matching leather Carhart suspenders rioting on Belmont St.
But everywhere I turned, I just found more practicality.
The practical bicycles inside of Clever Cycles
Since the southeast a little more grownup than the “first-stage gentrification” Northeast, it was EVEN MORE practical.
I’m not sure why I’m so hung up on this wild-west, bike-cowboy mentality, but it sure seems to be affecting my conclusions about Portland…
Conclusions:
Since I was only in Portland for 2.5 days (all of them week days), I don’t have no right whatsoever making judgements about Portland’s cycling community.
In spite of this, I will now make several judgements about Portland’s cycling community:
Portland’s cycling community appears to be in a “post-adolescent” phase. Very different from the “we’re not blocking traffic – we ARE traffic” critical mass crowd, Portlanders have decided on an infrastructural scale that cyclists are indeed traffic, given them lanes and trails and bridges, and stoplights, and “bike boxes,” and let them enjoy a hassle-free, neon-yellow life to-and-from work.
In a way, it’s sort of dull. Young, radically-bent cyclists must get bored and have to move out to less cyclist-friendly cities like New York or Colorado Springs where they can have someone to be mad at.
Whose streets?
His streets.
But Portland’s post-adolescent cycling community reminds me of a more awkward, not-as-well-developed version of the Netherlands, where I rode the whole way across the country last year on a separate bike freeway system that is so well-marked that you can ride anywhere in the country without a map or any knowledge of the Dutch language.
Bike Roundabout in Leiden. Note the pedestrian sidewalk on the left.
Portland is working on it...
Portland reminded me what the point of bicycle advocacy is. Bicycle advocacy isn’t about people on fixed-gear conversions getting arrested, necessarily. Bicycle advocacy is about figuring out ways for more people to ride bicycles for fun and for transportation, and for them to have an easier time doing it. And in these respects, Portland is way ahead of any other city in America.
(technically, Boulder, CO and Davis, CA are also “platinum rated,” but Portland is a lot more impressive to me because of its size)
So I guess that “the Rose’s secret” (remember that bit at the beginning?) was that it’s time for “bike fags” to grow up, get some practical, neon-yellow cycling gear, and a touring bike with fenders, and start really living by our “one less car” ideals, rather than living for our own glory and self-righteousness by riding obnoxious bikes recklessly through traffic.
The best moment in Portland happened was when I was riding on a Southeast bikeway and I came upon this family:
“Can I take your picture,” I asked.
“Sure,” the father replied.
“Why does he want to take our picture?” the girl with the red hair asked.
“Well,” I told her, “I don’t live in Portland. And where I live a lot of people would think that you guys were crazy for riding on this thing. But I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re smart. And pretty soon, there are gonna be a lot of people in this country riding bikes just like you guys.”
P.S. Stumptown Coffee is worthy of the hype.
P.P.S. don’t ride across the I-5 bridge on a bike. I thought I was gonna fall into the fucking river!
The 2000s (or, the “naughty aughties”) has been the decade of the fixed-gear bike.
I remember the first time I saw one – ridden by a bike messenger in Denver in 2001. I’m not the “gawlee, what’s that?!” type. And I came from a mountain bike childhood in Colorado Springs, where my father and I would go to the 7-11 Velodrome to watch the races; so I had a vague inkling of what I was witnessing. But when I saw the dude track-standing a brakeless, handlebar tape-less Bianchi Pista with a seatpost-mounted fender on the “big city streets” of Denver, I was impressed.
After that, I saw many more Denver messengers riding fixed-gears. I had friends who acquired them, I rode them, and finally I built one myself – out of my Dad’s old Miyata 600GT touring bike. Well, it didn’t take long for me to realize that what I actually needed was a track bike. So I bought a KHS Flite 100 frameset, taped over all of the logos, and built it up custom with orange duct tape and matching Oury grips.
My KHS was powder coated purple after a year or so, and has had every part replaced at least once over the last few years (with the exception of the $15 Ritchey headset that I broke the top tube cap of almost immediately). I rode my purple bike on half-centuries, chamois-less, at first, then I rode it on full centuries, fully chamoised, for a full year before I finally bought a road bike. Since then I’ve acquired many chamoises and other lycra clothing that I never thought I’d wear. I’ve ridden rides I never thought I’d ride. And I’ve acquired more bikes than I ever thought I’d own.
But there’s still a place in my heart for my Purple Bike.
Unfortunately, the naughty aughties are over. The era of the fixed-gear is behind us, and it’s time to move on.
So it was with great sorrow that I abandoned my beloved Purple Bike today.
My friend, and former Collegiate Track National Champion, Dan Lionberg and I decided that since all the lakes were frozen, and there were no “chasms” nearby, we’d be best off dumping the Purple Bike way out in the Colorado Eastern Plains where no one would be caught dead riding any bike under any circumstances, let alone a bike that’s purple and has no brakes.
We headed out across the freeway, on roads that stayed paved at first.
Way out, on roads that never had a name.
Up hills.
Into the wind.
‘Til we got to a place so far out that we could be sure no poor soul would stumble upon the Purple Bike and accidentally ride it in the wrong decade.
I said my goodbyes.
"this is gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you"
Said a prayer to the bike Gods.
"please, One-Geared Overlord, forgive me for what I am about to do"
And heaved with all my might.
I walked a long time down that lonesome, alternative-conveyance-less road – until Dan (who decided to keep his fixed-gear to ride for “legspeed training” in the 2010s) felt pity for me and gave me a ride back to town on his handlebars.
It’s a bittersweet new year for this bike fag. But I ought to be able to save up enough tip money from the coffee shop to buy a quad-ring shortly into the new decade.
Happy new year.
From the looks of this blog, it seems I spent the entire cyclocross season infrequently posting about the “next fixed-gear” (which will of course be the quad-ring). While finding a new alternative cool-source is important, I was actually spending most of my real-life time riding/racing my ass off, preoccupied by latest two-wheeled obsession: cyclocross!
“Well, how very fitting,” a savvy onlooker might declare. ”A bikefag getting into cyclocross. In 2009. Right after that one video with the robot cartoons hipsters came out. Lemme guess, you’re riding singlespeed?”
Yes I am. It is all true. I am guilty.
But the thing is that I’m different. I truly love cyclocross!
Or do I…?
Let me make my case:
It’s a perfect sport for me. I already wore mountain bike shoes on my road bike anyway, so why not start putting that tread to use? Plus, I’m good. I’m a born mountain biker (tiny, can’t build muscle mass to save my life, DTH since since I came out the womb), which makes me a born cyclocrosser. And let me testify: there’s nothing more satisfying than beating the lustre-legged, plastic-hearted roadie squares who race categories above me on the tarmac.
I used to hate winter riding. Thinking of the shower of muddy water all over my feet and my ass and my beautiful Eisentraut – it was enough to stay home. I’ve always been a mountain biker, but the hard packed trails around here get snowed on, then melt into peanut-butter, clay, glue, hate-mud – not too cool when you only have one gear… And the ol’ fixed-gear bike could only go so many places since I refused to put brakes on it or ride a reasonable gear (51/15/fo life!).
But then comes cyclocross! Having only one gear is suddenly an advantage most of the time (39/18 for life…)! Allathesudden riding in the most depressing road riding conditions is fun. You start praying for shitty weather!
Unlike road or MTB riding, I don’t have to go far. I have a top-secret cyclocross course that I sawed out of a forest in a park maybe two miles from my house, so I can go hammer for an hour then call it a day.
Cyclocross races are more fun. The roadie-Grinch’s heart seems to grow three sizes at a cyclocross race (it’s probably just the beer). Even though i don’t drink myself (long story), I can definitely appreciate the rowdy atmosphere at cyclocross races (and CX blogs).
And if you’ve gotta lose, who would you rather lose to?
Goldie?
Or Sir Smirks-a-Lot?
Anyway, it seems that cyclocross is the perfect alternative cyclist’s sport. And that’s why shit like this can go down:
But do I really love cyclocross myself, or am I just jumping on the bandwagon?
OK, let’s do it, motherfuckers. Let’s watch that fucking goddamn robot video:
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/5684963/
(it won’t let me embed since I haven’t paid for Custom CSS Upgrade (or will it…?))
I really hate this video – and you can probably guess why. No matter how “next-level” of a bikefag I consider myself; no matter how many years it’s been since I became too cool to shop at Urban Outfitters; no matter how “over” pedophile glasses and flannel shirts I am, this video still hits too close to home.
I too am dismayed that I now have to color-coordinate yet another bike.
I also over-utilize Facebook to promote myself.
And just a few years ago, I used to smoke cigarettes and call people “bike jocks.”
Is it possible that I am just like these poorly-dressed, cartoon “hipsters?”
Am I succumbing to social pressure?
Do I just want to be involved in an “outsider sport” in the cycling world, rather than a sport that I have genuine affection for?
Could it be that the same phenomenon that compelled me to start smoking cigarettes when I was 15, get a brakeless fixed-gear bike at 23, and shave my legs when I was 27, is now compelling me to get involved in “next big thing.” cyclocross?
I guess I’ll never know for sure.
But, like I said in my first post, who cares? (I do, obviously..)
I love cyclocross.
I don’t wear Urban Counterfieters.
And, unfortunately for us bikefags, it’s too late for cyclocross to be the “next big thing” anyway.
It is against my better judgement that I do this, but a reader and frequent commentor, Tristan, left a really long, insightful comment which I will now display in its entirety as a “post.”
What I am about to do badly violates my standard format, but I am doing it anyway for three reasons:
#1 Tristan claims to have found an alternative conveyance with a significantly higher rating than that of the cruiser board or even the quad-ring. If what he says is true, we will need to invest all of our time, money, and credibility into this conveyance immediately, and we can expect HUGE returns.
#2 I’m about to “drop” a new post tomorrow to cover this up.
#3 My post tomorrow will also be about cyclocross bikes (which I had already crunched the numbers on and agreed with Tristan), but it will be funnier.
Here’s Tristan’s comment:
“But but but, you forgot the burgeoning NEW class of hipster, which is the cross bike, so I’ll just rate it here, my apologies for taking your system and running with it…
Exclusivity: 2.5 You pretty much can find some sort of cross bike at any bike shop that sells Bianchi, Fuji, Trek, or some other big box brand. Granted there’s about 4 of them and they’re all SRAM Rival equipped, but calling a cross bike hard to find on the street isn’t much if you live where it snows in the city due to their burly tire clearance.
Irony: 2.5 Cross racing is very rarely ironic. It is serious business and you have to have a USA Cycling license and race in cats and wake up early and all that stuff if you are a cat 4 garbage day racer. All of this changes once one goes either to the west coast where they do wacky silly things like have single speed classes, chicken suits, and beer hand-ups, or you just race single speed period. Cross is also the one thing that people enjoy watching versus time trials or road racing. Also just look at Van Dessel’s cross bike names: Country Road Bob, Gin and Trombones. Can you get any dumber?
Street Cred: 3.5 Depending on the build list setup, how much dirt one has accumulated on their cross bike, Plus dudes from Belgium do it and if you’re good at cross it means you run and ride fast without being a triathlete.
Aesthetics: 3 Cross bikes look like road bikes, which can look good, but usually they have some high rise stem on them, which is tres uncool and hybrid looking. They do have a wide variety of anodized parts like canti brakes and such for cool points. But over all, a cross bike aesthetically isn’t really much better than say, a normal road bike.
Impracticality: 1 This is where it all falls apart. Cross bikes are usually the most practical of all bicycles, which also hurts their street cred when less scummy bike salesmen try to push them onto rather than a hybrid or another fixed gear. Huge tire clearances, low gearing, 700C wheel sizing allowing you to run skinny road tires in the summer and swap over to the carbon Edge wheels for the fall when racing occurs. Some lower end single speed models have fender mounts and rack mounts? Too lame! Still, riding on cross tires on the street is pretty dumb so that bumps it up to 1.
Added up you get: 12.5. Bummer dude. 
I guess cross bikes aren’t the new fixed gear, but I do have one more entry:
80’s time trial 24″-650 front wheeled time trial bikes, my personal favorite!
Exclusivity: 5. No longer made, and welded by funny Italian dudes (and some cases Japanese) for guys who actually raced bikes instead of chasing their personal best, given their relatively low use status, the bumped up even more unobtainable than a San Rensho (I’m going to assume that either a Moser TT frame, or an actual 3Rensho with Sugino Disc is considered the holy grail of TT bikes). Schwinn Prologues are sitting in many a garage waiting around to be used once more, making them the Pista of Vintage Time Trial bikes.
Irony: 4 Using a bike with twin tubular discs, or possibly old Mavic 3G trispokes is the piece de resistance on the street when you’re commuting for coffee on 54-14. The only thing that would make it harder is if the bike kicked you in the balls while you rode it.
Street Cred: 3.5 Older roadies will pay respects, but most people will think you’re either a triathlete or yet another fixie bro, despite the deraileurs, brakes, and ultimate aero positioning thanks to the proliferation of faux pursuit frames and bullhorn bars. Still, a period correct Campy Record Tomminasi (with matching Campy Delta brakes) will get much more cred than the same period fixed gear bretheren.
Aesthetics: 5. Old TT bikes before they started slamming aerobars on them (but once they went into bullhorns) are gracefully curved steel frames with gratuitous touches such as internal routed cabling, wild paint jobs, and lots of polish. Go look at Affinity trying to make the sloping down top tube a la old TT.
Impracticality: 4. I was going to mark this down, but assuming one was going to actually ride the TT bike properly and not put risers on it, TT bikes are very very impractical. The whole time one is riding it, they should always, always be hunched over with a flat back. There is no use in the tops. The gearing is ridiculously difficult for the most part, and they handle like crap. You can’t ride it in the rain, you can’t ride it in the snow, you can’t ride it when it’s windy, and riding up hill is a pain in the ass. Still, there are gears, and there are brakes.
Total: 21.5! This may be personally biased, but clearly riding a Moser is much more hipster cred than a cruiser skateboard. Plus you have disc wheels in the back to make for big flat surfaces for your crafty art projects.
Sorry I wrote all that, sheesh… What one does when it’s snowed in and sick.”
One does the same thing one does when it’s rainy, sunny, hot, cold, or night, Tristan – looks at bikes on the internet.
Or, one could go unironically ride their very practical cyclocross bike (for those of you in my Undisclosed Northern Colorado Front Range College Town, remember David ‘Cross is tomorrow afternoon. (I hope you like mud!))
I know it seems like I’ve taken my own advice and rollerbladed off to a new life of cutting-edge irony, abandoning my blog. But the truth is, dear reader, that I haven’t gone anywhere, except to the bottom of a fathomless pit of remorse because of my inability to bring to light the “next fixed-gear.”
Come to think of it, I did go somewhere! I decided that if I was going to really get to the bottom of this “what is the next fixed-gear” question, I’d need to travel outside of the insular constructs of my “hey bro, is that a fixie?!” Undisclosed Northern Colorado Front Range College Town. It was time for a road trip.
So I went on a pilgrimage to pray for wisdom in the Bikefags’ holy Mecca: Portland, Oregon (Bikefag Report coming soon)!
It was clear that the zeitgeist of the Portland alternative cycling community is long “post-freaking-out-about-fixed-gears.” People are riding a lot of unassuming, practical bicycles. Everyone is talking about cyclocross (it is cyclocross season, though, and the biggest ‘cross race in America was coming up).
I met a gentleman, for instance, who I would have labeled a “bike hipster” based on his rat tail had I not talked to him and found out he was a cat. 1 track racer who commuted on a workaday all-black KHS Flite 100 with fenders and brakes front and rear (while wearing a helmet). Maybe it was just “winter” (50 degrees when I was there..) that kept the more “fair-weather” bikefags inside, but the whole fixed-gear “phenomenon” appeared to have cooled down in Portland. Well, other than this guy, to whom the “fixies” (and nerd-height bags) are still red hot:
But even with all of the sedate, befendered bicycles, double-strap messenger backpacks, neon-yellow jackets, and other practical cycling accoutrements, there still wasn’t really any “new thing” going on.
I felt as if I was further away from uncovering the mystery of the “next fixed-gear” than I had been when I started the whole thing as a joke to make fun of rollerbladers two months ago.
What was the next fixed-gear going to be?!
Then it struck me: the spartan coulourwauy on the track racer’s fixed-gear! The brakes! The fenders! This guy’s trailer!
The next fixed-gear was there in front of my eyes the whole time! The next fixed-gear is “riding a fixed-gear and pretending like it’s not that big of a deal!”
Sure, people’s enthusiasm for tarting them up like a San Francisco whore may have waned in Portland, (where there’s now a city ordinance against neon sneakers). But it doesn’t seem like anyone can think of anything else.
We’re still stuck with the fixed-gear, bikefags. Better take some sandpaper to it and leave it out in the rain for a few days.
Reevaluated Fixed-Gear Ratings
Exclusivity: 3
The reevaluated fixed-gear is certainly less exclusive than the original, exciting fixed-gear was “back in the day.” But it does retain significant exclusivity. Since the reevaluated fixed-gear is a different class of bicycle from, say, this monstrosity:
post-cool-pre-reevaluation-fixed-gear
And the “is that a fixie bro” who would ride a Langster NYC edition can’t understand why his bike won’t get him in the club.
Irony: 2
There’s nothing surprising or funny about riding a fixed-gear. Nobody cares that they have no brakes anymore. Nobody is impressed by the single gear and the constant pedaling. Now that your parents understand what fixed-gears are and have either bought one or have explained to you why they don’t want one, the crispness is gone. At this point, the irony comes from continuing to utilize the same conveyance as square latecomers.
“Is that a fixie, bro?” post-reevaluation fixed-wheel riders seem to say with a wink and a nod to one another. ”Sick Deep Vs, bro!” the competent, ironic post-reevaluation rider might respond.
Street Cred: 3
As with irony, any street cred bestowed upon a post-reevaluation-fixed-wheel-bicycle is bequeathed to the user as a function of their apparent disinterest in the “fixie scene.” The browner, scratcheder, and dirtier the bike, the more street-credulous the rider at this juncture. So I hope, reader, that you’re getting the point that this does not apply to all fixed-gear riders anymore.
Aesthetics: 5
The primary stumbling block hindering the bikefag quest for a “next fixed-gear” is the beauty of the current fixed-gear, the fixed-gear. The track bike is truly a beautiful conveyance. It always was and it always will be (even after we’re all too cool to ride one…). It is with great reluctance that we abandon this for a more exclusive, more ironic quad-ring.
Impracticality: 3.5
Fixed-gears still offer the impracticality that we keep coming back for. They’re single-speed, they’re fixed-gear, they have no brakes, they’re generally unsuited for inclement weather. They’re foolhardy. dangerous, and we love them.
Unfortunately, many pre-reexamination-fixed-gears, in addition to having extravagant coulourways, are now equipped with brakes.
Also, much of the fixed-gear’s “impracticality” is an illusion. It turns out that pretty much any halfway competent cyclist can master fixed-gear riding. Since that is now clear, the impracticality score must suffer.
Total Score: 16.5
The reevaluated fixed-gear’s “alternative conveyance scorecard” gets lower marks than the cruiser board or the quad-ring. Yet it’s evident that the fixed-gear is still the current fixed-gear, and I think will remain the fixed-gear for the next couple of years.
Remember that fixed-gears are a trend. So even if there’s a more perfect alternative conveyance out there (which there is. The quad-ring), fashionable people will not ride it unless it’s popular – but not too popular. So far the only thing meeting this criteria is the post-fixed-gear wasteland of the reevaluated fixed-gear and the nebulous hipster diaspora into other forms of cycling (e.g. hipster road biking) – which so far doesn’t amount to a “next such-and-such.” Or maybe it does. Who knows, I only have my small-town observations (and the entire internet) to guide me.
Is the “reevaluated fixed-gear” a cop-out?
Yes. I realize that this “conclusion” puts us in a precarious position, bikefags. To ride on to the bitter end on the sinking fixed-gear ship or to accept the quad-ring are not the most enticing alternatives.
Personally, I’ve just been spending a lot of time “riding” “recreationally” to wait out this storm of uncertainty.
But something will come along. Something always does.
Until then, I’m happy to bury this quest deep in the ground.
Dirt-jumping, freeride mountain biking, downhill: what’s the common denominator?
Hucking, bro!
If you don’t know what hucking is, you’re probably a total bitch-ass, balls-shaving roadie! So here’s a video to clue you in:
Hucking is fucking gnar as fuck, bro!
But is hucking a replacement for the fixed-gear?
It seems unlikely.
For me, hucking seems the realm of bros with tribal tattoos who either listen to shitty nü metal, shitty rap-rock, or (if European or Canadian) non-threateaning, “conscious” hip hop. It looks fun, I’ve always thought, but can I really marry my personal brand to a bunch of meatheads who listen to Marilyn Manson and drive trucks (and sort of look like Travis Barker)?
Obviously not.
But a new era of hipster hucking is upon us.
Allow me to introduce 18-year-old Brandon Semenuk:
(It won’t let me embed Vimeo, so just click here. Sorry.. (you really need to watch it, though))
A Michael Cera clone on a dirt jumper!? Ultra-tight pants?! Gay-ass electro soundtrack?! Gigantic Nike throwback basketball shoes?! A Subaru Rally car?! Vimeo?!
What the fuck this kid is perfect!
And not only is he the perfect ambassador of dirt jumping to the bikefag crowd, but he’s also really good.
Here’s a video of him winning the Sea Otter Dual Stunt race (on a neon orange bike that is obviously a ripoff of the “Seizure Bike” that I rode last season):
And here he is winning the 2009 Redbull Rampage:
Soon Brandon Semenuk will be more popular than Lance Armstrong, and an entire generation of tight-pantsed bikefags will be DTH (down to huck) at art school stair sets and backyard pump tracks around the world! The bicycle film festival will be dedicated to hucking. Critical mass will ride to BMX tracks. Bike messengers will drop sickie triple-sets and shred some dank wallrides – all with packages on their backs (Dakine backpacks to replace Chrome bags? Brakeless dirt jumpers on city streets?)
Hucking – it’s not just for bros anymore!
My advice is to sell your fixed gear now, buy a dirt jumper, then switch over your track bike’s Velospace account to the DJ bike so that you can prove to your friends that you’ve been DTH since 2006.
Exclusivity: 3.5
Dirt jumpers are pretty pricey-to extremely pricey. And downhill bikes are preposterously expensive, use specialized hub spacing and front hubs/axles, and involve enough hydraulic fluid to scare off any backyard mechanic.
Then again, they’re ridden by a whole bunch of rich, pickup-truck driving Bike Chads, severely lowering their exclusivity score.
Irony: 1
There’s very little irony involved in hucking. Other than the lingo, the tribal tattoos, the bros, and the nü metal. You know what, let’s just bump that score up to a two.
Street Cred: 1
While it’s true that freerider bros are probably the only group of cyclists who might actually kick someone’s ass, it is also true that they are all from extremely whitebred, suburban hinterlands.
Aesthetics: 2
They’re just not that good looking.
Impracticality: 3
They’re heavy. They’re slow (on streets). They’re expensive to repair. And they need to be driven to anywhere worth riding one.
Then again, they will drastically increase the terrain that you can ride over/down/off on your commute.
Total Score: 11.5
Well, I guess Brandon Semenuk has his work cut out for him..
Still, though, it might be worth it to at least find a cul-de-sac and practice some bunnyhops just in case this blows up.
In 2001, every music magazine proclaimed that “Rock is Back.” The White Stripes and the Strokes were getting paid. Detroit sounded like a cool place. Etc.
By 2006, admitting to your friends that you used to listen to the Strokes was hipster suicide. ”Indie electro” like Chromeo was all the rage. Then it was Justice, Crystal Castles, etc.
By 2010, admitting that you once liked MGMT will be tantamount to admitting in 2008 that your bike had a freewheel.
And so it will go for the fixed-gear. Like rock-n-roll was replaced by hipster electro, the fixed-gear will be replaced by its opposite extreme: the quadruple-chainring bike.
The “quad-ring,” “shiftie” or “Zach Bike” (named after recumbent guru Zach Kalpan who, for a time, sold a front derailleur with a 22-60+ tooth capacity) has been ridden by frail cyclo-tourists for years. But the man who first “took it to the streets,” the man who will be known as the “Quad God” of the two-thousand-teens, is Portland freak-bike enthusiast Legislator.
This is the 4×4 Trailer Pulling Utility Bike of Death. It has four chainrings, four brakes, nine cogs, a sick coulourway, and a guaranteed place in the Annals of Alternative Transportation.
Let us briefly hail Legislator as our new alternative transportation messiah, and then move on to the ratings.
Exclusivity: 4.5
You can’t go out and buy a quad-ring. You have to build it. The only reason the quad-ring doesn’t get perfect marks is because you could probably build one out of completely unwanted parts for free at your local bike co-op.
Eventually, of course, Surley will sell a complete quad-ring, then other companies will “drop” their own soulless quad-ring copycats. The Surley will become the Bianchi Pista of quad-rings, Kona’s early model will equate to the KHS Flite 100, Peugeot will re-enter the U.S. market with a bike equivalent to today’s Cinelli Vigorelli, and a vintage René Herse quad-ring “conversion” will be the same as an NJS-certified Keirin bike.
Exclusivity will diminish quickly, so get act now!
Irony: 4
It’s a bike with four chainrings… to get to the coffee shop…
The only way to get a higher irony score would be to add more chainrings.
Street Cred: 2.5
A movement precipitated by old, frail randonneurs who needed a lower granny-gear seems absolutely devoid of street-cred – at first glance. But remember, this is a movement created by Quad-God Legislator – a man who not only lives in Portland, a city with a higher violent crime rate than Colorado Springs, CO, but who also “palps” a menacing tarantula in his front wheel.
And the street-cred of quad-rings will undoubtedly increase as early adopters such as bike messengers and uber-bohemian Portlanders follow Legislator’s example.
There could even be “quad-ring freestyling.” The “slow-go” would replace the trackstand. Climbing extremely steep hills would replace the fixed-skid (no-handed climb? Leg-over climb?).
Aesthetics: 2.5
Well, it ain’t exactly a Nagasawa..
But at least it’s not this bike:
Impracticality: 3.5
The quad-ring is practical – especially Legislator’s trailer puller. But under all normal commuting conditions, a great-granny gear is totally superfluous. And social climber alternative cyclists could easily one-up each other by building Penta-ringed bikes, or utilizing multiple drivetrains/multispeed cranks/multispeed hubs/custom hub spacing and 20-speed cassettes/ultra-long-cage rear derailleurs to achieve hundreds of gear combinations.
I have to give the quad-ring concept a higher score for potential impracticality.
Total Score: 17
Oooh! Barely edged out by the cruiser board. Still, though, this might be the next ride for the dreadlock-beard crew in 2010.
I know, I know. Many of you are probably asking the same question:
Rollerblades (trademarked)?! Why not rollerskates?!
Well, reader, if you’re asking that question, you might not have a firm grasp on the concept of “ironic transportation.” You see, rollerblades, or “fruit boots,” are currently the lamest conveyance available; as opposed to rollerskates, which are enjoying a surge in “coolness” because of roller derby and (more importantly), the natural “retro cycle.”
The “retro cycle” is a natural progression whereby trends/styles have a peak popularity, then fade, then have a peak unpopularity/universal scorn period 10-15 years after their peak (e.g. Jncos in 2005), then sometime after that period, they enjoy a revival in popularity – usually popular in a tongue-in-cheek way (Jncos back in 2013?). The retro revival must wait 15 years, though.
Rollerskates went out of style in the 1980s, went back into style in the 2000s, and are no longer ironic enough.
Rollerblades, however, are still very uncool (peak popularity in 1992? Universal scorn peak in 2005?). This makes rollerblades immensely more ironic, and thereby more appealing to hipsters. If there’s ever going to be a time for a peak in rollerblading ironic popularity, it will be 2012, 20 years after rollerblades’ genuine-initial popularity. The time for early adoption is now!
Alright, alright… On to the ratings.
Exclusivity: 2
Everyone ever owned a pair of rollerblades when they were a kid (or, as in my case, “inline skates,” if their cheapskate parents bought them Variflex skates). There are several pairs of Rollerblades at every thrift store in America. Rollerblades aren’t exclusive.
Then again, no one rides them (other than kooky, fitness freak commuters in large cities). Also, they take some skill to master skating street (and a pair of pants similar to Rodney Mullen’s 1993 Jncos. Also is that a Christian rap song? Is rollerblading Christian skateboarding?). Two!
Irony: 5
I feel uncomfortable giving a perfect score of five in irony. But think about it:
And look at these pictures:
All-neon 90s “zany” alternative brand? (double irony for rehashing 2007’s neon revival?)
Dweebie “aggressive” sport that will simply never have the cachet of its cool older brother, skateboarding?
Homoerotic overtones?
A perfect five!
Street Cred: 1
Does this look like street-credibility?
No.
Then again, it does look like it could end up hurting badly. Hence the above-zero score.
One!
Aesthetics: 2
I don’t know. I thought that rollerblades were pretty cool looking back in the day…
And we can all ride old black-and-neon-and-purple, plastic ‘blades. Right?
Also, you can dress however you want on rollerblades. And male hipsters would get an opportunity to tuck their fruity pants into their fruit boots.
The problem, of course, is that no matter what you do, you will still look like a rollerblader if you’re rollerblading.
Two!
Impracticality: 2
Rollerblades also receive lackluster marks in the impracticality department. They can get pretty much anywhere. They’re fairly fast. Unlike bikes, they’re easy to store and can’t get a flat tire. They’re cheap and over-available.
In short, they’re way too practical for most hipsters. They’re not exclusive enough. They’re too cheap. And they simply make too much sense to be the next fixed-gear.
Total score: 12
It’ll take a more than irony alone to replace the fixed-gear as the principal alternative conveyance.
