The Black Cloud
Communication between bikefags and rural, truck-driving folk is limited at best in America’s hinterlands and is carried out mostly in a language of horn honks and single-fingered hand gestures. But nevermind bikefags’ self-importance, graduate degrees or capacity for political organization – the “Republican Trump Card” of cross-cultural bikefag-hillbilly relations is, and will remain, the Black Cloud.
Diesel smoking – or, as diesel truck enthusiasts prefer, the “smoke out” – is the ultimate weapon in the liberal-conservative, bike-vs-truck culture war that happens every day on the outskirts of cities across America.
To learn more about Diesel smoking, I went to the Internet.
Unfortunately, the Internet isn’t the best resource for information and discussion about diesel smoking cyclists. The closest I could get was this guy, with the delightful Myspace moniker “Fuck Global Warming, Drive a Diesel.”
But even FGWDAD doesn’t mention cyclists specifically. Which is good because bikefags would all have a total crisis about his PBR background.
Even though I can tell you from personal experience that there are people who regularly “smoke out” cyclists, it doesn’t appear that any of those people have ever heard of this “Internet.” And if so, they’re tight-lipped about their bike blasting.
But from what I can tell, there are two ways to diesel smoke cyclists:
#1: slow down a little as you pass the cyclist, shift your truck into a higher gear and “stomp her (the gas pedal) down.” This oughtta blast ’em.
#2: modify your truck. Diesel truck owners take drastic measures to make as much obnoxious black smoke as possible cascade out of their obnoxious trucks (this may void your truck’s warranty).
But although “smokers” may not be the most web-savvy demographic, cyclists are. And the thick, black smoke of their discussions in forums talks much about the indignities of being diesel smoked.
I asked around on my former collegiate cycling team’s list serve – the unfortunately-named “Rams Cycling” – to find out about other cyclists’ experiences with the black cloud. I heard a lot of stories of teeth-blackening smoke outs, botched dually-stalling smoke out fails, multiple accusations of truck drivers having inadequately-sized genetalia, and a troubling tale about Fort Collins elite racer Caley Fretz being yelled at by a 5-year-old boy from the bed of a Dodge Dually, “tastes faggoty good” as the boy’s father blasted him at low speed.
But the one area in which everyone was in agreement was that the #1 offender is the Dodge Ram Cummins Diesel.
It is clear from my Youtube “truck pulling” research that the Dodge Cummins diesel is the top-dog of the diesel truck world. Just watch this epically-scored video if you don’t believe me.
It’s no surprise that the cycling community agrees that the Dodge Ram is also the top-dog of the diesel smoking world.
Coming in second place smoker is Chevy Diesels with Monster Truck Tires.
And in third is the Ford “Super Duty.” There’s definitely a link between being compelled to buy a “Super Duty” Ford instead of a regular Ford and being compelled to “smoke out” some “bike fags.”
Most normal, non “Super Duty” Ford Diesels seem to be driven by ranchers or workers and these drivers seem to have better things to do than blow black clouds.
I wasn’t telling the whole truth when I implied that diesel truck drivers can’t use the internet. In fact, there’s a forum devoted to modifying diesel trucks.
It was with immense glee that I started an account and posted my first thread.
Topic: Smokin Out Cyclists
Seems like every time I drive to the Reservoir, theres a hundred cyclists dressed up like ballerinas in neon spandecks tutus riding around like little suicidal spandecks duckies in the street. Oh well i just let my exhaust pipe do the talking !
200 points for the one on the bike that costs more than my Dodge!
kiddin but seriously don’t these little duckies piss you off? They act like they own the road.
How do y’all handle cyclists?
I’d been inspired by a sign outside a bar on a popular cycling/boat-pulling road that read: “Beware of little spandex duckies in the road.”
And armed with my perfect conservative double-entendred username, I thought I’d be a shoe-in for some insider information about diesel smoking.
Unfortunately, I was roundly condemned by the Diesel Bombers community.
User: Diesel Minded
shouldnt smoke out a cycle you could kill someone , now convertibles thats different
Yeah if they swerve into the road and get hit and killed or they fall off and break there neck guess who’s fault it is. Yours…
User: 94 12valve
you shouldent smoke out any one motorcycle, car, or other truck.
I quickly renounced my diesel smoking ways.
Alright I agree with all of y’all its a pretty stupid idea. Just wanted to hear ur thoughts on this issue
Apparently, the people who discuss modifications to their diesel trucks in internet forums are not the people who smoke out cyclists.
But they’re out there. The more I ride, the more I get diesel smoked.
Since it now seems unfair to the diesel truck community to condemn them all, how do bikefags deal with getting diesel smoked?
I’ve tried chasing trucks down with a rock in my hand, hoping they’d have to stop and I could smash out their back windshield. I’ve tried flipping them off. I’ve tried complaining to the police. But none of this stops diesel smokings. It seems like the only alternative is to quit cycling and stay indoors or move to Marin County where everyone in the country drives hemp-powered cars.
But I think that one of my former Rams Cycling teammates Dan Zube has the answer: learn to love the black cloud.
The great thing about being diesel smoked (aside from the terrific
black cloud blown in your face), is shortly after the truck speeds
past, watching it take a nose dive as it slams on its brakes to
prevent slamming into the car in front of it. Of course, this nose
dive wouldn’t be nearly as noticable if the Napoleon-complexed owner
hadn’t rigged up his sweet pick-up with a three-foot lift. This
typically leaves me with the same thought running through my head: “Man, I
need to get some of those steel testacles to hang from my bottom
The Zuber is right! Diesel Smoking is hilarious (not to mention totes blggbl). We have to learn to love the black cloud! It gives bikefags stories to share with their bikefag friends on bikefag forums. It gives them justification to feel superior over country folk. It’s gives them opportunities to be pissed off at hillbillies; to forget about the pain of climbing hills for just a moment. And it’s just a really great, hilarious white-trash phenomenon to make fun of.
With enough time and enough smokings we can all learn to love the black cloud.
Meanwhile let’s pray that the pickup truck driving, “no big government” hillbillies who keep fucking diesel smoking me get a taste of their own fucking medicine; the US government does not bail out the Chrysler Corporation and General Motors; all of the Detroit Big Three fail; and the future generations of gigantic douchemobiles go to Hell where they belong, along with their Budweiser-drinking, meth-smoking, thimble-cocked owners!
Somehow, I’m just not as intimidated by a Nissan Titan.