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Stuff White People Like #129 the Tour De Fat

September 15, 2009


The only thing that makes white people feel better than being drunk on self-satisfaction is getting drunk on microbrewery beer.  But as with so many white activities, the Tour de Fat awards white people a double victory – allowing them to have their cake and drink microbrews in the middle of the day too!

The Tour de Fat is a touring bicycle parade that stops at eleven cities with high concentrations of white people in the Western United States.  White people dress up in brightly-colored, incoherent costumes and ride bicycles through town, then drink $5 New Belgium beers and dance to music played by other white people in better costumes.

The Tour de Fat is a white Tour de Force, combining white peoples love of bicycles, awareness, sustainability, dressing up in costumes, and getting drunk on the right kind of alcohol.  But, like all white activities, the true reward is the deliciously intoxicating self-importance of the Tour.

Riding a bike in a costume and getting drunk in broad daylight might be considered reprehensible behaviors in many cultures.  But the difference for white people is that they are riding their bikes and getting drunk for a cause: to promote awareness of bicycles and of altruistic, sustainable, not-in-any-way-profit-motivated microbreweries.  Oh, and all the beer sales go to non-profit organizations.

Perhaps the most smug moment of the Tour de Fat is when the parade blocks car traffic for hours at a time.

“Ride a bike!” costumed, fair-weather cyclists shout at drivers – emboldened by artisan- crafted beers and a halfhearted police escort.  “Earth raper!”

The Tour De Fat may ultimately just be an advertisement for a popular microbrewery, but it does offer you a cornucopia of opportunities for your own personal benefit.  If you encounter a white person in a city that is a Tour de Fat stop, ask them what costume they wore last year.

Steer clear of implications that most white people only ride a bicycle when the weather is perfect and they are promised handcrafted cask ale.  Also, take great care to avoid upstaging another white person by telling them about your more clever/ more cohesive/ more ironic costume that utilized a higher percentage of salvaged materials.  And as difficult as it may be, under no circumstances should you criticize a white person for dressing up as a New Belgium Brewery advertisement.  If you accidentally imply that a white person’s costume wasn’t clever enough, steer the conversation toward the traffic jam created by the parade (“did you see that Dodge Ram that had to wait for like 45 minutes at that stop sign?”).  Your white friend’s eyes will quickly light up anew.

The best way to befriend white people is to suggest a clever group costume well in advance of the Tour de Fat and coordinate the effort.  Then you will be able to ride at the front of your multi-person bicycle caterpillar victoriously!


8 Comments leave one →
  1. c-murder permalink
    September 16, 2009 2:34 pm

    Man, I hate white people so much. They are the worst. Plus, they all look the same.

    Maybe I’ll go as a white person to the Tour de Fat when it rolls through my town. That’ll show those white devils.

    • bikefag permalink*
      September 16, 2009 7:25 pm

      I have a feeling your joke would be lost on them..

    • ervgopwr permalink
      October 1, 2009 4:56 pm

      Sure, hate on the pastey folks, just another example of the man trying to keep us down. What did we ever do to you?

  2. sadie permalink
    September 17, 2009 6:41 am

    yep, yep, pretty accurate for an insider. Except one small correction: it is not an excuse to get drunk in simply broad daylight but rather at 7:30am. In order to be properly primed for full enjoyment of said activities you must pre-game. What’s not to like about that?

  3. Brecher permalink
    September 17, 2009 11:39 am

    The caterpillar would be way beter if the girl in front was wearing as big a moustache as the guy behind her. Tour de Fat!

  4. September 21, 2009 5:02 am

    Блог отличный. Вам награду бы за него или орден почета. 😉

  5. bystander permalink
    September 28, 2009 6:47 pm

    New Belgium does YouTube On a Bike.

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